The Zen of Dating

When I started dating a new guy after my breakup, I felt I had to reach out to him all the time. If he was going to get the message that I was interested, then it was up to me to to inform him…constantly. 

Whenever I didn’t hear from him within 24 hours I’d reach out to him by text:

“Good morning.”

“How are you?”  

“Whatcha doing?

“I miss you.”

Yes, this was my way of reminding him that I existed. For every moment  he was not texting me or making plans, I felt that he must’ve forgotten about me and moved on.


At some point I learned that as a girl it was my job to keep letting a guy know I was interested. This might have been true in middle school, but as an adult I realized I don’t have to worry–a grown man will get the message and I don’t even need to broadcast it to him.

He will know. In fact he’ll be able to smell it like a wolf can smell injured prey. And how will he know? It’s biological. Women are hard wired to give signals to men that communicate their interest: we play with our hair, we giggle, we laugh at their jokes, the list goes on. And instinctively men know this.

That being said, what happens after the initial attraction has been established? What about when you go on an awesome date with a guy, have an awesome time, and maybe even have awesome sex? Then what happen afterwards?

The truth is–nothing. That’s right, the Zen of Dating dictates that nothing is supposed to happen.

The date/sex/conversation that you had together in and of itself is the reward. This is the right mindset to have in the dating field.

Certainly you can contact him if you’d like to. Women are not powerless and we can make our own decisions about who we’d like to interact with. In fact you could even ask him to get together, but you must continue to remain completely unattached to what happens afterwards in order to maintain emotional equanimity.

I know it sounds hard, but it’s actually tremendously freeing. Think about it–if you believe in the likelihood that nothing will happen after a date, and that the date itself was the pleasure to be had, then you free yourself from expectations. 

If he contacts you later (and you like him), it’s a bonus. And if he makes plans to get together again, it’s a double bonus. But if he never contacts you again it’s okay, because you never needed him to in the first place.

This philosophy seems tough to follow, but it comes from a place of self love. Learning to practice living in the moment is tremendously strengthening and creates resilience within. This is because a woman who is at peace with herself is not shaken when a date doesn’t call and she doesn’t need constant reassurance from texting. The woman who practices unattachment in dating is an inspiration and a pleasure to be around, which in turn makes her irresistible.


Author: Eden Lighthipe

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