In high school I learned that boys love it when two girls kiss. It drives them wild. Once one of them dared me to kiss my best friend. And I could never refuse a dare.
“Do you want to?” I asked, expecting her to say no.
“Yes.” She nodded.
We French kissed. It was juicy and sexy and sensual. Kissing a girl is not like kissing a boy. There’s no rough stubble or angular jaw. Just silky smooth skin and baby soft lips. We did it for them, but I liked it for me—a lot. Which at fourteen was not something I was willing to admit.
In college I had a sexual experience with a dominant female that was undeniable. Sure we were on drugs, but it was revealing in terms of my identity. Okay yes…it’s true I like girls. But the question is—how much?
When you’re a girl in a heterosexual relationship there are certain things you just don’t think about. Like if your partner is prettier than you, or if he has less cellulite. The truth is a woman would have been too much of a mirror for my own jealousy and insecurities. So I held in my desires out of fear. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of being humiliated. Fear of losing friendships.
The downside of living in fear is that I never got to find out if my feelings would have been reciprocated. Since I’ve decided to live the happiest, most fulfilling life possible—which includes leaving no desire or fetish unturned—it’s time for me to look my bisexuality in her face.
So, I went on Tinder.
And started swiping for girls as well as guys. What popped up were couples. Couples yes. What a great way to get my feet wet. I already knew that I liked guys, so perhaps a guy and a girl together would remove some of the pressure. It turns out in the threesome world I am known as a “unicorn”—a single woman who’s up for joining a couple. Before long I matched with Nate and Sugar. He messaged me and we all went out on a date together.
I sat between them in a booth at the bar. The energy from each side of me was palpable. She had wild blue hair and fiery eyes. He was reservedly handsome and wore his hair in a purple pompadour. They wined and dined me, and excited me with recounts of previous play pals. I could get into this lifestyle, I thought. Maybe two is better than one.
At the end of the date they walked me to car. We arranged to meet again then she asked,
“Can I give you a kiss?”
My indecision surprised me. After hemming and hawing eventually I stammered out,
Not the smoothest response. But I was caught off guard. My mind said yes, but my body said no. I didn’t understand it myself and thankfully they were cool about it.
After the awkward ending to my first trio date I thought finally I would be comfortable calling myself hetero. Maybe it was just a phase. Maybe I just appreciate a pretty girl. Maybe my sexuality had changed…
But none of these thoughts felt right. The truth is that I am attracted to girls. And I do want to kiss one. I just wasn’t attracted to Sugar. What I’ll take away from this experience is that these things can’t be forced. They happen in their own time. And in the meantime, whether I’m hetero or whether I’m bi, all I know for sure is that I’m single.
*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
How about you? Have you ever questioned your sexual identity?